Can't Sleep

Had an excellent 8 hr phone conversation with my bff Sarah today - or I mean yesterday since it's 4:19 am now on Tuesday, January 17. Yes, that is correct: EIGHT hours! It was so much like old times when we used to do that regularly (our record is 13 hrs)! It does not happen much these days with me having kids and her having a busy work schedule in a different time zone. But I have been feeling a need to be selfish lately and so that was what I needed...Joe had Martin Luther King Jr Day off from work so he was able to help with the kids, although I still nursed & played with Krissa - it was interesting to me how she stayed on her normal schedule completely oblivious to what I was doing and me never looking at the clock.

Ever since Starting To Crawl when I said she took a rare 2 hr nap - that has continued, or rather 1.5 hrs in the afternoon (noon to 1:30) and then a half hr nap in the eve, then sleeps 9 pm to 9 am. There was just that brief time that she didn't go down easily to bed, thankfully for the past few weeks I've returned to doing absolutely nothing to relax her; she happily goes right to sleep when I place her in her crib, even if we were just downstairs playing the minute before.

She can crawl 3 steps now, I am glad that it has been a slow process because when Logan took his first crawling step it was just two days later that he was zooming all over the house. For her it's been 12 days since her first crawling step.

So everything's fine, so not sure what the deal is with me, but I can't sleep. I find myself thinking about what I was saying in that Starting To Crawl post about how I wish things could somehow be with Krissa like they were with Logan as far as me feeling like I give her 100%. It is SO much fun to have a little girl, but the excitement as far as motherhood just wore off so much quicker after baby #2. I feel like I gave all that I had to Logan for 3 yrs and it was so rewarding, so wonderful, but now I feel like what I have isn't enough for either of them or myself and so I have no motivation to try.

Four or five months ago I wrote that I'd learned after having two kids that it was impossible to balance everything equally (which is what I'd been hoping prior to having two kids), and ever since then I'd accepted that...until lately I find myself completely opposite how I've always been (which is a stopping to smell the roses type of person); I'm happy when another day goes by so that Krissa is one day older...one day closer for me to have more time for myself again. I preferred how I felt during Logan's first 3 yrs when I was so happy to NOT be selfish. It was such a perfect time to have a baby because I'd been married for 5 yrs and I was so ready to focus my time and energy elsewhere. On anything BUT myself, please!!! I was giddy every day, no matter if it was a hard day (because I still didn't know what to expect so there was that constant new feeling -- and "savor the moment" because I don't know what's next). He was who I got up for in the morning and breathed all day long.

This time I just want to get up and do my own thing all day long. But of course I can't. And I don't, so then I just find myself going through the motions, hoping tomorrow I'll want to give more. However, waking up at 3:30 am (like what I did an hour ago, thankfully this is a first since having Krissa), is probably not going to help. :(

On the bright side, I do have clarity at what I need to do - I've been feeling a major pull lately to write a new novel and work hardcore on getting it published. It started around the time that I posted my old Christmas letters last month. It was rather depressing to be reminded of how close I almost got to fulfilling my dream as a real, published author of my own book. . .but didn't. There was so much hope, so much promise, in those letters. . .and then nothing.

Around the same time that I re-read/posted those, I came across one of my old writers group partners' website. She joined shortly before I left; I think technically she's who took my place in my particular critique group. She is going to have her first book in stores this June.

I am happy for her (emailed her and told her so), so it's not jealousy that I feel because she's at a completely different place in her life - her kids are all in elementary and junior high, so when she joined the writers group she was passed this stage that I've been busy with. But it was more the realization of how during those years that I have really done nothing in terms of being an author (2007-2011), she went from having zero experience (she wanted something to do after her kids all were in school and since she loved to read, decided to write a book), to now being an author. It's not like I haven't done anything -- like I said, I have been busy with babies/toddlers whereas she already had that time in her life. It was simply a reminder to not forget, to not stop.

Finally, I heard from the best selling author in Omaha who was the key in my almost getting published years ago; she is from Des Moines and wanted to give me the contact info of the writers group here because she wants me to join and get involved because she still believes in me.

While I'm not ready to make the commitment to a writers group, I have decided that I AM going to be setting aside 2 hrs a day to do work on my novel, and hope that will help with this lacking feeling.

I've just always felt like Logan had the best mom he could possibly have, and although I don't think Krissa minds yet (since I'm fulfilling all of her needs) I want to do it with the same...gusto?...as I did with him (and also continue with him since I feel like this all applies to him, too, lately). I want it to show/for her to see how excited I am to have a daughter, and for Logan to remember the mom he had back in Omaha.

And so, I will be taking a hiatus from this blog after this week. I have two scheduled posts later this week and then that will be it for awhile. It's time now for me to pick up where I left off in 2007 when I was almost a published novelist.

But first, I need to go back to sleep!

P.S. Funny that the equivalent post of this time with Logan was titled Giving Sleeping Plan A Try (although I was talking about him, not me, LOL).

P.P.S. When reading the equivalent blog that I gave a link to in my last post, I saw that Logan had stopped curling his toes under him when we stood him up - Krissa has been more flat footed this week as well. Also, my hair has finally stopped falling out after pregnancy - yeay! Now I just have the unattractive areas where it's growing back. I never took the CPR or heimlech class that I mentioned that I wanted to take when Logan was this age...that's on my summer list. Have I mentioned that Krissa loves the TV remote just like Logan did? I know that's common with babies, it's so strange! This was the point when Logan started doing excellent with me getting ready in the mornings, so hopefully Krissa will go back to watching me without crying soon. I was shocked to read in the post that I gave a link to above that Logan DID have the same major reaction to dropping stuff out of his hand that Krissa has when something she's holding is either taken away or dropped. It must have been a short time because I'd completely forgotten! Finally, the line on my tummy is gone (same time frame that it went away after Logan)!