Feelings

I've written about how this pregnancy has been different physically, but it's also been different emotionally. I remember that soon after I found out I was pregnant I cried myself to sleep one night because I just wanted God to come down and tell me that going from our family of 3 to 4 was going to be smooth. Spending those days with Logan at home when he was sick allowed us to cuddle all day! There were so many special/sweet moments that I am not ready to say goodbye to. I know that parents still cuddle with their kids no matter how many they have -- it's more of not knowing what's going to change and what's going to remain the same. I've really liked our non-chaotic family the past 32 months and hope that this next child fits right in. I want to still feel like I'm giving Logan my all and his sibling, without feeling I'm stretched too thin.

When I was pregnant with Logan I didn't really have any specific fears or anxiety -- just having a baby: would I be able to be a good mother and handle the unknown? This time I have a picture in my mind to go with having a baby and so that part of me is at ease. I'm confident in my mothering skills so that part is comfortable, too. This time it is that I like the way things are and I want things to stay as much the same as possible, but I know there are going to be changes and I just want them to be good changes. Not the changes where I feel like I'm falling off the deep end and my family becomes out of control :p

And then of course there's the nervousness of the birth experience this time. With Logan, my fear was simply: how can I possibly imagine what labor is going to be like? How bad is it going to hurt? Will mine last 48 hrs like some stories? But I wasn't really worried about complications because I just trusted that my doctor would know what was going on and handle it accordingly. I knew it'd be out of my control and so there wasn't any point in my mind even going there. This time I don't fear the pain or the duration, and once again I have a picture to go with the experience. The fear is: will I have a c-section or vaginal birth, and whichever it is will everything go okay? Even though I'm still in the doctor's hands, I feel the pressure of having more to control this time.

Every time I get anxiety about what could go wrong if my pelvis doesn't stretch again and think "Okay, I'm comfortable with a c-section" then I hear horrible things about c-sections and I get anxiety about that and say "No, I really don't want one!" I don't know what brought this up on New Year's Eve but I started crying and told Joe I feel like there is not an easy or good solution/answer! He reminded me that is usually the case with big life events and that it's what we tend to stress about that doesn't usually happen -- it's something completely unexpected. That was actually what got me to calm down that night because that is so true. So maybe that means this is not even going to be an issue. . .but there will be some other thing that went smoothly last time!

For the most part I've been very excited about this pregnancy and baby, there's only been the two nights that I cried about those fears. The thought of going through all the work again doesn't seem overwhelming like it did in the previous years when I thought about having baby #2; I assume because Logan's the oldest he's ever been and so the farther they're spread out the easier it seems since I've had time to regain my energy! Plus, it's been long enough since I experienced the baby phase that the thought of having a new little bundle brings nothing but a smile to my face.

But this pregnancy is already going faster than my first and I just hope the pace doesn't go too fast once he/she is born. With Logan there was nothing to really balance when he was born. I could soak up every moment with him and still make time for myself (until he got to be 11 months old when I had him start going to daycare a couple of days a week). Everyone said my life was going to drastically change, but it really didn't. I just added a little person and we both seemed to fit into a routine. Now I look back and think, well yeah I guess my life has changed from 2006 but it wasn't really noticeable, it happened gradually. But this time it's not just me or Joe, but Logan, too so that seems harder. . .in whatever way that things change I hope it's positive.

I can tell Joe has different feelings this time, too. When I was pregnant with Logan I think he was practically giddy every day until the last month when I remember him saying "Wait a second, we're going to have a baby soon" and then he showed nervousness. I still tease him about that because at that point to me it was like DUH! LOL. I'd spent so many months of my body preparing me that it had more than sunk in by then and I was like "bring it on!" But since Joe's life hadn't really changed during my pregnancy it was only when the countdown began that he fully wrapped his mind around it!

This time I haven't felt any excitement from him, and that bothers me a little but I know it will come in his own time. Maybe it's just the opposite of last time -- it'll happen when the baby actually gets here. Our hearts both melted when we held Logan for the first time and I know that it will happen again with this baby and that all of our fears will be overshadowed, as nothing is stronger than that!!!