Bad Weekend

Here are my Pregnancy Comparison Photos. My week 12 pic doesn't show that I've popped out or am carrying lower. . .so maybe it will be more apparent next time.

My trip to my massage therapist worked -- my back felt wonderful afterward and did until this morning when I attempted to move a box. I didn't even try to lift it, I don't understand what happened, but a horrible sharp pain shot through my lower back and it's still sore. What the heck? I have never had problems with my back before so this is a bit frustrating. Especially since I am barely into the second trimester. . .I have a way to go before I'm entitled to walk around like an old lady! I guess if it doesn't improve I will have to go back to my massage therapist. I was worried I wasn't going to like my appt. on Fri because she had to do some things different since I was pregnant but it didn't matter -- going to her is like getting a glimpse of heaven!

I've only had a couple more days of heartburn since I last mentioned it but I've been farting and burping a lot lately, which I remember I did while pregnant with Logan, too. Pregnancy is SO not an attractive time for me. My hair has suddenly improved (and nails) but my face is still broken out and my usually-oily skin has dry patches all over. I had four nausea-free days last week, only to throw up on Saturday and then I felt horrible the rest of the day. I no longer have hope that it's going to end this week because yesterday (Sunday - the start of my 12th week) I felt the worst of this entire pregnancy! For the first time, my all day sickness was to the same degree (a 10) that I had all of the time with Logan. Today I feel better but there's still a bit of it lingering. I don't know how I survived this three years ago. I know that I barely did, but even this time I was brought to tears yesterday because I can't stand nausea!!!!!!

Needless to say, even though this pregnancy has been easier than last time it is still tough for me. I'm just not good with something taking control over my body so that I am unrecognizable to myself in the way that I look, feel, think, and act. I love being a mom and feel it is my niche but pregnancy shuts me down.

I had a scary dream on Sunday morning that I immediately told Joe about -- I'd had leaches all over me and I was screaming "get these off, they are sucking the blood out of me!" We got them off only to discover that a lot of them were INSIDE me and it was causing me severe pain every time they moved. I was crying to Joe "call the hospital!" But he was just taking his time, not acting like it was an emergency, while I was screaming "I need to get these out of me!"

In real life Joe said, "that was about the baby." My mouth dropped to the floor as I hadn't even tried to analyze it, I was thinking about it literally -- but once he said that I knew he was right. I feel the life is being sucked out of me and pregnancy causes me pain, but of course nobody acts like it is serious or an emergency. . .and that feeling won't go away until the baby is out!

I hate saying that. Just like with Logan when I wrote a post about how I appreciate this wonderful gift and blessing to be able to carry my biological child and I thank God for this special experience, it still takes a toll on the body that can't be denied/ignored. I have a blog friend who sadly lost a baby at 6 months pregnant and she felt guilty because just the week before she was complaining about pregnancy and thought maybe that was her punishment. But I told her that I don't believe God works that way. Even the Bible uses having a baby for a woman as an example of life's most difficult experience! God knows what we feel and understands, I don't think he expects us to feel miserable and say "this is fun!"

With that said, it IS all worth it, and maybe that's the point of feeling like this. . .that even after all of it we're still willing to do it because that's how great being a mother is!

Still, I have decided that this will be it. I had said in an earlier post that if this is a boy then we could decide to have a third child (if I had two girls I wouldn't want to have three girls, lol, but three boys seems fine). I knew it wouldn't be until my youngest was in school (so 5 years from now) and I thought there was a good chance I wouldn't want to start all over again at that point, so we were hoping for a girl so that we could say 100% that we're done. But now I've decided we're done if this is a boy, too.

I had my second craving last week. Just like the week that I had to have baked potatoes, I have never in my life bought a container of peanuts but I had to have them last week. I was concerned because I couldn't remember if they were okay during pregnancy but everything I read said that they are; it is the third trimester when they should be avoided.

My food aversion has been chicken and macaroni & cheese which is strange because chicken was what I craved the most while pregnant with Logan. As for m & c I seriously gagged while typing that word...I can't write anymore about it or else I'm going to throw up right this second.

I haven't had cramps since a week after I found out I was pregnant so that's good. My interest in sweets has been coming back. I still don't want them every day, but on New Years I enjoyed some cookies that my aunt made.

Unfortunately, I've been getting very little pleasure from food or anything else recently. Thankfully, Logan has been soooo incredibly sweet and helpful to me during this time. The other day I was laying in bed and said I didn't feel well and the next thing I knew he was bringing me a cup of water! When he sees that I feel sick he says, "Me give Mama a hug and kiss?" One day he even said "Mama pretty!" because I was wearing a fancier-than-normal shirt (but I felt ugly). That melted my heart! And then of course he also says and does things that make me smile & laugh and so for those moments I do feel some endorphins! Hopefully those endorphins will be coming back with everything else soon.